Shouldn't Have You Read online

  I knew I’d been coming to this moment for far longer than just the minutes I had with my friend and brothers talking about it.

  I needed to do something about it.

  I had to.

  And so, I somehow found myself in my car, driving to Harmony’s house, hoping she would be there. I didn’t know her work schedule by heart or if she’d be out with her friends.

  I didn’t text her ahead of time, I didn’t call her. I didn’t do anything but get in my car and have it take me to her.

  Because everything I’d done up to this moment had been leading me to her.

  Even if I went through the motions, even if I told myself that I wasn’t good enough for her, even if my past wasn’t perfect, I couldn’t hold back any longer.

  And what scared me most, more than I cared to admit, was that she saw Moyer when she looked at me.

  I had no idea what I would do if that were the case. I had no idea what I would do if that were the only thing she saw.

  But I didn’t know if I could go on without telling her how I felt. Without having her in my life.

  I was going to risk everything.

  I might end up breaking everything in the end for a woman I shouldn’t have, one I shouldn’t want.

  But the others had said that she looked at me, and I wanted to believe that. I wanted it to be true so much that I was going to risk everything just to tell her how I felt. To let her know what I wanted, even if I didn’t exactly know what that was.

  “Okay, come on, you can do this,” I whispered to myself as I pulled into the driveway. Thankfully, I saw Harmony’s car there, and I turned off my own engine, wondering if I would be able to get out of the vehicle at all.

  And then I was on my feet, the car door closed behind me. I didn’t even remember getting out.

  Maybe that was good. Because if I thought too hard, I would probably just throw up.

  And vomiting on her rose bushes probably wasn’t the best way to tell her that I had feelings for her.

  So, I knocked on the door and waited.

  And waited.

  And waited.

  She didn’t answer.

  I didn’t know what else to do, and then I just laughed. I shook my head. It figured she wouldn’t be there. The one time that I actually had enough balls to do something about what I felt, and she wasn’t there.

  I snorted, turned on my heel, and made my way back to my car. Maybe I would tell her later.

  Maybe I’d just let it pass.

  If it was meant to be, it would happen.

  But me taking a risk out of nowhere wasn’t something I usually did.

  I had just put my hand on my car door when the house door opened, and Harmony came running out in tight yoga pants and a sports bra, her face flushed.

  Everything else faded away.

  It was all dewy skin and rosy cheeks and that tight outfit.

  So fricking tight.

  Just like that, I had no idea what to say, my tongue was tied, and my dick got hard.

  Well, hell.

  “I’m so sorry, I was in the middle of yoga, trying to work out my lower back, and then I sort of just zoned out and didn’t hear the doorbell. It was just luck that I looked out the window and saw your car. I’m sorry.” She stopped in front of me, her feet bare even in the cold.

  I shook my head, took off my coat, and wrapped it around her.

  She looked up at me, her hands brushing the tops of mine as she reached to her own shoulders. A smile played on her lips, and she studied my face.

  Was this what the others saw when they said that she looked at me?

  I wasn’t sure.

  I couldn’t read her. Maybe it was because I couldn’t trust my own feelings when it came to her.

  If I could figure her out, maybe I could determine what she would say if I told her how I felt.

  What she would say when I told her.

  “It’s too cold for you to be out here in bare feet.”

  “That is true. Why don’t you come in with me? We can talk.”

  I swallowed hard, looked in her eyes, and tried to see what was there. Tried to imagine what she would say.

  I had no idea. I had no idea at all.

  And even if I shouldn’t want her, I knew I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.

  I did.

  So I took that risk.

  “I think we need to talk,” I said softly.

  Her eyes met mine, curiosity there along with a little something that I couldn’t quite name.

  “I think we need to talk,” I repeated.

  And I hoped against all hopes that I didn’t ruin what we had.

  Anything at all.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Brendon

  Throwing up in Harmony’s rose bushes sounded like a better idea than anything I could say to her at this moment, but I knew I wouldn’t actually do that.

  At least, not yet.

  She looked up at me, her brows raised as she tightened her grip on the edges of my coat, pulling it closer to her body.

  “What’s wrong, Brendon?” she asked, her voice low, cautious.

  “Let’s get inside. You’re cold.” It took everything within me not to lift her up into my arms, hold her close to my chest, and carry her inside. But she wouldn’t want that, at least I didn’t think so.

  She gave me a weird look, then took my hand in hers, the touch so warm and inviting that I almost jumped. Jesus, I needed to breathe.

  “Come on in then. And you can tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours.”

  So, I let her lead me into the house and helped her take off my coat, wondering if I was making a mistake even knowing I needed to make it anyway.

  “Okay, why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind, Brendon? You’re kind of scaring me here.”

  I ran my hand through my hair and started pacing in her entryway, wondering how I was going to start this.

  I’d had feelings for her for a while now, and yet for some reason, I hadn’t actually thought about what I would say when I told her how I felt.

  But it wasn’t fair to her for me to have these feelings and hide them from her. Or at least feel like I was hiding. I had tried to walk away, and it hadn’t worked. At least, it hadn’t yet. Maybe after I told her and she pushed me away, I’d be able to stay away. But I wouldn’t know until I actually came out with it.

  I had to say the words.

  “Brendon? Is everything okay with your brothers? Is it the girls? Tell me.” She moved to me, stopped me from my pacing, and put her hands on my forearms.

  Once again, her touch electrified me, and I looked down to where her tiny hands were on the corded muscles of my forearms.

  She was so small. So fragile.

  Breakable in more ways than one.

  I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t break Harmony.

  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  Hell.

  Stop being a dick. I just needed to do this.

  “Brendon,” Harmony snapped. “Do you need to go to the hospital? What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know how to start.”

  “Then sit down. Or just let it all out. Just tell me.”

  “Everything’s fine. I swear. At least, that I know of. Everything’s fine. I do not need to go to the hospital. I might need a drink, but that’s beside the point.”

  She looked at me, studying my face. She didn’t let go of my arm.

  Maybe that would settle me. Or perhaps it would make it worse. It didn’t really matter though, I had to figure this out.

  “Okay, everyone’s fine. But you clearly aren’t. You said we needed to talk. So, what is it?”

  “I really don’t know where to begin.”

  “Okay. We can just go sit. Have some coffee. And we can make yours Irish if you really need that drink.”

  I shook my head and then reached out to her, knowing I shouldn’t, but realizing I was going to do it anyway. I traced my finger along her jawline,
and she didn’t move back. She didn’t startle. She just stood there, studying my face, unmoving.

  Then she did move, ever so slightly. She leaned into my touch, and I didn’t know if she even knew she had done it. Her pupils dilated, her mouth parted, and I knew I saw desire there. I saw need.

  But did she know it was there? Or was it just a reaction?

  I was going to make a mistake. But that was fine.

  It was my mistake to make.

  “Brendon,” Harmony whispered. “Tell me.”

  “I don’t know when it began, but it feels like it’s been forever—even though I know it hasn’t been. Because it wasn’t before, it wasn’t when it would have been wrong. Though it still feels like it could be wrong.”

  “You’re not making any sense,” she said, her voice low. “You’re confusing me even more.”

  “I think I’ve been confused for a lot longer than I care to admit,” I said with a rough chuckle that didn’t really have any humor in it.

  She just looked at me, and I lowered my hand and then traced it down her bare arm, just a touch because I couldn’t help myself—or because she didn’t pull away. No, she leaned into it.

  What was happening? Is this really happening?

  “I don’t know when I started having feelings for you, Harmony, but all I can say is that they’re there. And I think of you. I can’t stop thinking of you. And I like being near you, I like having you in my life. I like our talks. Our lunches. The fact that we touch each other just because. That we can talk to each other. And I know it’s probably wrong, I know I should stop. But I can’t. I tried, Harmony. I tried so damn hard. But I can’t stay away. And I don’t know if I want to stay away anymore.”

  She stood there, and I had no idea what she was feeling, what she was thinking. Had I made a mistake? It felt like I was outside of my body, watching it all happen and trying to deconstruct exactly what was going on. Yet I couldn’t. I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

  I felt like I was losing my mind. Maybe that was right. Perhaps it’s what I needed. Harmony didn’t say anything, so I continued. “I thought about you. I’ve always thought about you. No…that’s not right.”

  “You haven’t thought about me?” she asked, her voice neutral. Almost too calm.

  “I’ve thought about you since you came back. Since we became friends again. I never thought about you in that way when Moyer was alive. I swear.”

  I lifted my hands and held my palms out. “You were always my friend. Even before Moyer, you were my friend. But I’ve always been drawn to you. To your personality. To your mind. Just to you. And so, in these new circumstances where our strings are tied, irrevocably bound together by our past but not in the same way it used to be, I’ve thought about you. And I know it’s wrong. I’ve been very careful what I’ve said to you when we’ve been near each other recently. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

  She blinked up at me, tilting her head. “You’ve thought about me?”

  I ran my hand through my hair, letting out a ragged breath. “Yes.”

  “How?”

  I didn’t even realize I had laughed until the humorless sound came from my body. “Like I want you. Like I want to be near you. Like I want to be beside you. I want you in my life, I just want to spend time with you. And I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. I want to do so much. But those are my desires. It doesn’t mean I have to act on any of them. But I can’t just stand by and let myself drown in the worry that I’m doing the wrong thing or that I’m not doing enough.”

  “Does it help that I thought about you, too?” she asked, her voice hesitant, but her eyes resolved, so sure and focused on mine.

  I swallowed hard, trying to process exactly what she had just said. “You thought about me, too?”

  She let out a small laugh, shaking her head. My heart plummeted.

  “You don’t think about me?”

  She looked up quickly and then reached out to squeeze my free hand. “I’ve thought about you, Brendon. Believe me. I was just shaking my head because it makes no sense that we’re acting this way.”

  “I’ve no idea how to act. I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience at this point.”

  “I’ve thought about you. But you’ve always been my friend, Brendon. It was easier just to be your friend. Because I’ve always relied on you. And maybe that’s why I stepped away when I did because I rely on you too much.”

  I shook my head, reaching up to cup her face. “You’ve never leaned on me too much. I give you everything that I have to give, Harmony. You were my friend before, and I would have done that then. But now? With this feeling inside of me? I’d give you anything and more.”

  “And that scares me. Because the idea that you would do that while not knowing how I feel, even if I don’t know how I feel, scares me. Because I don’t want to bruise you. I don’t want to hurt you. You deserve more than that.”

  “Do I? I think I deserve exactly what I’m getting. Or maybe what I could get. I don’t know, Harmony. But standing here, watching you, not knowing what to do, not knowing if me touching you like this is wrong…it worries me.”

  “And maybe it should? I don’t know. But I like this. And I don’t know why I didn’t notice it before. I mean, I’ve always noticed that you’ve given great hugs. That I can sink into you.”

  I sighed. “Those hugs killed me sometimes. At least, recently. Because all I want to do is just hug you tighter and smooth your hair and act like some teenage stalker and never let you go.”

  “That would never be you.”

  “I thought about it sometimes. Not going to lie.”

  “We walked away from each other before, at least after Moyer died.”

  I flinched at my friend’s name, even though I had said it before. She just gave me a sad smile. “We walked away from each other because it hurt.”

  “I was afraid that every time you saw me, you would see him. You would see that I couldn’t bring him back. That I hadn’t been able to reach out for him in time.”

  That was part of my pain, the idea that it was my fault that he was dead. She pushed at me but didn’t let go. “Seriously? You can never think that. When I look at you, I see Brendon. Maybe I see a different version of you from before, but we all change, right? I saw you as my friend before, I saw you as my husband’s friend. And then we stepped away. And maybe we needed to so we could heal. But we’re back again. I’m not the same woman I was before.”

  “And I didn’t have these feelings for that woman. I have feelings for the woman that’s standing in front of me now.”

  Harmony blinked away a tear and then let out a curse before using her thumb to wipe away any evidence of it. “Don’t cry, Harmony. I can go. Don’t cry for me.”

  “I’m not crying for you. I’m crying for the idea that you see me. You’re not seeing the widow. You don’t see the friend you had. You’re seeing someone different. Someone I’m just starting to get to know. Every time I look at you, I see someone different, too. You’ve changed, Brendon. Maybe I fought really hard not to see that. I fought so hard to not see the man you’ve become or the fact that you’re not just my friend anymore.”

  I swallowed hard. “You’ve seen that man?”

  “Maybe I started to really see him when you sat down with me after my first bad date.”

  I closed my eyes, sighing. “I don’t want to think about you dating that guy.”

  “Well, it lasted for maybe a minute. And I never saw him again. But you were there, right after. You made me smile and think about good things rather than the fact that I suck at dating. Because you need to know that, I’m really terrible at it.”

  “No, you’re not. Those guys are.”

  “You can say that, but I am the common denominator.”

  “No, that’s those fools.”

  “You say the nicest things, but I still don’t know what I’m doing. I’m learning how to be me now. To be myself as this single person trying t
o live in the world. And I want companionship, even though I don’t know exactly what I want. But you were always there for me. You were there for me right after when I didn’t know what I was doing when I felt like I was doing too much. And I was always afraid I would lean on you too much. Rely on you so much that you would break and we would shatter everything that we had.”

  “And I was afraid that you weren’t going to lean on me at all. That somehow you would find someone else to lean on or figure out that you were strong enough and didn’t need me. Because I shouldn’t want you, Harmony. I shouldn’t have you.”

  “Maybe you should let me decide what I’m allowed to have or not. What I should or shouldn’t want or do.”

  “I’ve been so careful, Harmony. So careful not to tell you what I’m feeling to the point where I don’t know myself. But it was getting so I couldn’t actually continue hiding from you like I was. And I didn’t like you going out on dates, I didn’t like you meeting men who weren’t me. And that was selfish.”

  “Does it help that I got a little jealous of the idea of you dating, too?” Harmony asked and then buried her face in her hands. “And I have no idea why I felt that way. I did so good about thinking of you as my friend. Because you are my friend, Brendon. No matter what, I don’t want to ruin that. I don’t want to change anything there. Though what if it’s already changed?”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just leaned forward and traced my finger over her jawline again. “If you don’t want this. You need to tell me.”

  Her eyes widened, her mouth parted. “Oh. Okay.”

  She didn’t move away, didn’t tell me to stop, so I lowered my head and slowly brushed my lips over hers.

  It was like coming home. A sweet temptation, a gift. Harmony was soft, willing, and yet…new. This was the person I had hugged so many times in my life but one I would never get the scent of from my mind. I had held her close more times than I could count, and yet this was different. I had kissed her forehead, pecked her cheek, bussed her temple. I’d even kissed her hands.

  But I had never kissed her lips.

  I hadn’t known how soft they were, or that she would taste of mint with a little bit of cucumber water at the end.